However, I've been doing a lot of soul searching and reflection. I've spent most of the summer job hunting and so much of my time has been wrapped up in that. I've been focusing so much on the future and what it can be and what I want it to be that I'm not living in the present. I used to live so much of my life in the past, focusing on things that happened when I was a kid. Now I worry about the future (a very adult thing to do). I've been working on focusing on the present and appriciating life in the here and now. My birthday was about three weeks ago. I'm 32 years old and my life is not what I thought it would be at all. All the time I was dealing with school (directly and indirectly), I felt that my life was in limbo. Now that I'm done with school, I'm trying to figure out what to do next. That keeps changing everyday. I'm restless for something new but I don't know what it is yet. I feel that I should be doing something more with my life but I don't know what.
Anyway, I've been going through a lot of things in my head and not focusing on what is happening in the here and now. My life is pretty good as is right now. So many people have it much worse than I do. I have such a great support system around me, and I have everything I need. I need to focus on that and take every day one step at a time. Things will happen in their own time.
I have not felt like hanging out with anyone lately, in part because my work schedule has been weird. However, I need to interact with people I don't work with. I've joined a French-speakers club in town. The first meeting is this Wednesday. I'm trying to catch up with friends in all forms. I have many letters and notes to write to people. I miss interacting with you guys on LJ. I miss hanging out with my in-person friends.
I'm rambling again. Hopefully, next time you hear from me won't be so long.
- Current Mood: thoughtful
- Current Mood: accomplished
I'm testing out the new app. It is almost 3 am and I am still up after waking up randomly over an hour ago. My stomach is bothering me so that is probably why. Sorry I haven't been around much. There has not been much to report lately. School. Work. That is my life these days.
I will preface this by saying that I'm so grateful to have the job that I have. One I enjoy for the most part and has been good to me in regards to school. I realize how lucky I am to have a job at all after struggling to get one (as most of you remember me lamenting at the time). It's not that I want to sound ungrateful because I'm really not. I'm more frustrated than anything. We have had a LOT of turnover in the last month. The front desk manager leaves on Wednesday (took a job in another town) so that will be the fifth person we have lost in about six weeks. I have a strong feeling that we will have more people leave before the end of the summer. Most left for other jobs, which I don't mind and completely understand. However, what bothers me is that a few just up and left without any notice. One day they were here, the next they were not. Not only does that bug me with the lack of professionalism, it also puts us all in a bind since we are scrambling to get shifts covered. I'm glad to be able to help out, I really am. It's just a lot to take in and my hours are all over the place so my sleeping schedule is very off. With so many people leaving and so many people coming in and needing to be trained, a lot has been put on my shoulders, intentionally or not. However, I'm up there in seniority so I need to step up and get things done for the sake of the team. I know people are worried that I'm being taken advantage of but no one is making me do something against my will. I just might have to learn to say "no" more often.
- Current Mood: sleepy
Throughout my life, I never felt very comfortable in my own skin. I felt conflicted about who I felt I should be compared to what my family and my society said I should be. It is something that I still struggle with even as an adult. I grew up hearing about Maya Angelou as this almost mythical being growing in Winston-Salem. Someone famous lives in Winston-Salem! When I read I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings, I was going through a very turbulent time at home. I felt a connection with her story, especially the relationship she had with her grandmother. I saw many parrells with the relationship I had (and still have) with my grandmother. Though I have not read her other memoirs, this one always stuck me with the creative language and the sense that I'm more than what has happened to me. I may not be able to control what happens to me but I can control how I handle it. Surviving is one thing. Thriving is shows true strength. We are all human and what connects us is much bigger than what can divide us.
I love French but my French Conversation class is not making it easy. I know I can do better but I am doing the best that I can. It's unbelievably frustrating knowing that your professor thinks you should not be in the class. I know I can do it and I'm not going to give up!
School is okay. I've decided to just focus on French right now so that is what I'm getting my degree in. Doing two languages at the same time was too much for me, and I'm struggling in Spanish. Hopefully, I will be able to study abroad again sometime next year but I don't know.
- Current Mood: confused
- Current Mood: sleepy